blackbird, fly

(is that song running through your head now? it is, isn't it, reader.)

so i had the apartment to myself for three days and spent almost all of that time in front of the TV. i do not regret this decision now, nor will i later. to be honest i'll take happiness in almost any form in which it chooses to present itself. especially when i am supposed to be in new england writing and instead i have to be here just to hook myself up to a source of medicine.

that said...i know i'm a time-wasting idiot. i got zero writing done and zero medicaid applying done and zero job app work done. also improved zero people's lives and made zero children smile. actually had to go to bed early on Saturday night because i had a screen headache.

still don't regret it.

in the past whenever i've felt lost and sad and could access cable, i've fallen into ANTMarathons (ANTM, dear literary friends, is America's next Top Model). it's like opening a jar of vodka and chocolate. tyra is hilarious, and andre leon talley in his giant judging robes is the best thing to ever happen to that show, ever. it's all just great.

this show does interesting things to my self-esteem and body image. i'm 28 halfway to 29 and much too old for that sort of thing. i thought. i do live in NYC, though, where we're all perpetual adolescents. also my current non-love situation (unrequited love situation? i don't know. i'm not a situation, i'm a person. so gentlemen - chill out, please. worse things could happen than me liking you. my god. also, 'the situation' is a guy on _jersey shore_. and i'm not a problem, either. i may be *causing you* a problem. but this doesn't mean you can't be kind. okay, i didn't see that nerve being struck. yikes. apologies. however, do take my point.)...my current state is making me think about beauty and first sight and things like that.


tyra's into picking out odd and 'funny-looking' girls and letting them know how hot they are. we can all agree that this is awesome. not just TV-awesome (although it is that too, on occasion). and i think more and more shows are getting the point that there is a difference between koinophilia, evolution, symmetry, high cheekbones etcetera., and true beauty and goodness (which is so incredibly diverse).

then i wonder if i am believing this 'point' myself for the same non-reason i believe in a benevolent universe - because, absent any real evidence, i make a blind choice to believe in something just to keep myself breathing.
because so so so many people seem to think that if you're a woman and you're ugly, or just not-beautiful by any standard, your life is pointless and you should give up on everything. intelligent educated people actually think that.
this makes me very, very sad.

i don't turn heads, ever. but i figured out that if enough of the right people think i'm beautiful, i can get by okay in this world. (it's hard to describe who the 'right' people are, but in general - unbiased people that i'm fond of.)

keep me in your prayers. i will keep you in mine too.

love,
amy